“Brave”: Disney, Let’s have words.

*DISCLAIMER: This post includes spoilers for Disney/Pixar’s new movie Brave. Just letting you know.*

Dear Disney,

Firstly, let me commend you on successfully producing an animated film (possibly for the first time) that focuses on the Mother-Daughter relationship. Genuinely, props to you for that. It was hugely refreshing to not be subjected to the typical Daddy’s little girl storyline that centres on an angsty princess (The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Pocahontas, etc.), or the equally popular choice of a coming of age story that focuses on the becoming-a-man transition (The Lion King, Hercules, Finding Nemo, etc.). Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Disney/Pixar film, but that relationship was a new one, and greatly appreciated.

Equally enjoyed was the sheer monstrosity that was your heroine’s hair. Finally, a children’s film that advocates having masses of unruly curls. As a fully-paid member of the massive-haired clan, I’m all for providing a role-model with non-salon-styled hair.

The idea of a Scottish animation was such a brilliant one. Animation (not to mention the majority of other mainstream children’s films) rarely ventures outside of generic as far as accents are concerned. In ‘Pocahontas’ John Smith, the explorer from London, has an American accent. ‘Mulan’, a film set in China, features a whole series of American accents. ‘Ratatouille’, set in a┬áParisian┬árestaurant, again American accents are the preferred choice. I could go on. I appreciate that American/English is, in many cases, the easiest accent to understand through film, particularly for young children, but this is where Brave appeared to be breaking free of animated-tradition. The Scottish accent. Admittedly, it was a slow Scottish accent. The mainstream audience did have to understand the film after all. But it was such a brilliant idea.

This, however, is where my praises end.

The exploration of a massive-red-haired, mother/daughter relationship told through the voice of a Scot had the potential for such greatness. So, I really have to ask, what the hell happened to the storyline? Who actually sat down and thought “You know what, a touching story following the Mother-Daughter bond might not get through to a modern audience. Here’s an idea, let’s turn half the cast into bears!” WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Magic and witchcraft aside (we all know it’s not really a Disney film without that…), it seems an absolutely ludicrous idea for any story. Ever. Especially in this century where kids seem to adore (and want to be) The Saturdays and Justin Bieber and One Direction and Selena Gomez and other fresh-faced (read: TWELVE YEAR OLD) celebrities that take their clothes off and squeak about love. In other words, in this century where children can’t wait to be older than they are. Even the 6 year olds have boyfriends. How is a film about turning your mother into a bear because you don’t agree with her thoughts on marriage setting a good example? Sure, they resolve it in the end – through tears and a long hug and a lot of sewing – but really?! This is not going to prevent Mother-daughter problems.

Also. What happened to feminism? Come on Disney, it’s the 21st Century. Young girls SHOULD NOT GIVE IN AND ACCEPT TRADITION. They should say “Fuck it, I’m going to marry who I want to marry. In fact actually, I’m going to run off to the woods and get leaves in my hair and dance to crazy loud music because I’m still a child and do not need to be thinking about marriage yet!” Your protagonist almost managed. But instead, she went and got her mum turned into a bear. And then, in order to apologise for that fuck-up she goes and tries to give in to tradition and betrothal. Thank god for the mum/bear eh, who has a sudden change of heart and tells her to break tradition (through that well known bear language of hand-gesture).

Seriously Disney. What the fuck happened.

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And the ‘mind-fuck of the year’ award goes to..

Dreams. Everyone has them right? What about dreams within dreams? Or dreams within dreams within dreams? Well, y’know what.. Even if you don’t, or even if you don’t remember them the next day.. Do yourself a favour, go see *that* new Leonardo DiCaprio film. That one with the trailer that made audiences go ‘Woah. That looks awesome’. Cause you know what? It was.

Inception. Easily the best film I’ve seen in a long time. I mean, a really long time. I’m not entirely sure how I can even begin to put into words the awesomeness of this film.. (But I’ll give it a damn good try.) Not only did it include the classic fight sequences of any ‘good’ action movie – there were the flaming explosions, bullet-fueled car chases, and extreme-sports in the snow; but it went one better – the stairs of paradox, zero-gravity fight scenes, and that excruciating, nail-in-palm, agony of a cliff-hanging end. So, maybe that’s *three* better..?

I’ve actually *never* seen a cinema so packed in my entire life. Although, I guess that’s what you get for going ‘Orange Wednesdays’ on the first week of both Inception and Toy Story 3, oh and the second week of the new Twilight (*cough* awful film *cough*), and I’m pretty sure school’s have just broken up too. Note to self: 2 for 1 offers are fab n’ all, but not when the queue is trailing down two flight of stairs.

It’s weird that the film *is* actually such a huge Hollywood hit. In my experience of mind-numbing movies, the generic cinema-goer tends to shy away from something a little unusual. They tend to be reserved for the kooky. The more artsy scene, if you will. But hey, who am I to judge? Clearly one of those suits saw something in this one, I mean to get a cast like that they must have done.. Alongside DiCaprio; Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine and Ellen Page make for incredible watching..

This is definitely one to watch. Both literally and figuratively speaking.. I’m sure awards will be thrown their way. And if not? Then wow. Something is really, very wrong with the world.

That’s it Twilight, I’m jumping back on the Harry Potter train..

Dear Confused Teen Girls: someone who sparkles and won’t have sex with you isn’t a vampire; it’s a gay guy. ~ Barbara Haynes

Cinema, we’re over. Through. Done with. Caput..

There’s only one thing worse than going to the cinema to find the movie is an utter disappoint, a fail-and-a-half if you will, and that’s having to listen to silly teenage girls giggle inanely at every bloody thing that happens.

Really girls. You know Bella and Edward kiss, you’ve all read the books. You know Bella and Jacob kiss, again the whole book thing. You are clearly aware that they get engaged and talk about sex. It is therefore not necessary to giggle. At *anything*. Seriously. I get that the werewolf dudes are hot. Obviously they are, or they wouldn’t have got the roles. It is *their job*.

I really don’t understand why the films are so popular though? (Books, yes. Films, no.) They miss out half of the story anyway, plus they’re just not that good. The filming is really shaky, as though they want you to imagine you’re actually there. All it really does is make you seasick. The acting ability of the key characters? Well, I’ll just leave that as a question mark I think.. Plus, actually, they’re boring to watch. Both the films *and* the actors themselves. The only exciting part of the new film is the final fight, and that’s all digital anyhow.. Oh man.

If I’m going to be honest, there were actually a couple of funny moments, in a ‘we’re-trying-to-be-sarcastic’ way, which were amusing. (eg. ‘The’ sex talk. With her dad. Fantastic. Although, that says more about the writing than the film itself..) But, *I was the only one who laughed*. Seriously. In a packed cinema, no-one else got the sarcastic humour..

My main response to this not so fantastic experience, is that I’m never going to the movies to watch a ‘blockbuster’ hit again. Nuh-uh. I can manage to wait the 6 months (or not even that anymore..) wait for the duh-vuh-duh. I mean really.. Cannot deal with teenage girls who seem to only have one function, the happy-clapping giggling one. Gah. I’m turning cynical (Ha! Turning..?) in my old age.

And just to join in with all this bloody Team Edward vs. Team Jacob malarky? I say screw ’em. Gimme Jasper anyday..