People often get confused when I blabber on about how I work better under pressure. SLASH cope better under pressure. SLASH actually kind of like being under pressure. It was only today, whilst sat on the kitchen floor drinking tea (as you do. Actually if you spend any time in our house you’ll realise that that’s actually *all* we do. Despite our kitchen being the size of a broom cupboard. A particularly small broom cupboard..) that I was able to fully get my own head around why that is..
I’m basically a massive control freak. Huh. It’s slightly weird saying that out loud. Because I did actually say that aloud.. Obviously. I guess it’s the same with most people, you like to know where you stand? In life generally. Or in a specific situation. But I just find that you always know where you stand when everything’s going on. When life is stupidly stressful. And you’ve got your list (also known as manic mindmap) of everything you need to deal with/sort out/do. It’s easier to clear your mind, after a good cry (or three), and deal with everything that keeps piling up and up and up.
When everything’s going right, I tend to panic. Be constantly dreading the next moment, knowing that it can’t last and that something has to go wrong soon.
That’s why I like the stress. The pressure. The massive weight of everything on your shoulders. Because you know where you stand. And what’s going on. And what *needs* to happen in order to sort it out.
Basically I’m a massive control freak.
You know the other thing I cleared up for the housemate tonight? I don’t like being relaxed. I know! I’m practically inhuman.. But yeah, I dread that feeling of total relaxation. It makes me immediately panic. How very fucked up is that? I prefer this ridiculous constant feeling of anxiety and uneasiness. Why? Because, well, because I’m an insane individual.. The idea of a spa or a massage literally puts me on the edge of blind panic. In the same way as how I woke up this morning and was immediately filled with dread at the fact that I had literally nothing to do today. I had a day off. AND WAS FILLED WITH DREAD.
What. The. Hell.