6.30am – Woken rudely by Gerald the Seagull. Ta, you charming little squawker..
9am – Watch 3 episodes of Eastenders. Why oh why did I think it was a good plan to get back into this one? Damn you clever people at the BBC who created such a gripping storyline.. Unfortunately this is what my life has come to.
10.30am – Scald self on lethal shower. ‘Nuff said.
11.23am – Eat eggs, stale bread and hummus for breakfast. An odd combination. And I really don’t like eggs..
11.39am – Inhale hairspray and choke until very very dizzy. A genius plan, I’m sure you’ll agree.
11.45am – Pull on snow boots. (Note: No it is not snowing. But I’ve heard it is actually highly recommendable to wear said shoes at any given moment that takes one’s fancy.)
11.50am – Position flower in hair. (Note: I’m breaking down, I’m not dying. I can still look presentable.)
11.53am – Leave house, brolly in hand, for a day of physical and emotional destruction by the beach.
TO BE CONTINUED…