When vampires drink caffeine they end up on roundabouts. Yes, it makes perfect sense..

There’s a very strong possibility that I am actually a vampire. Either that or insomnia has officially taken residence in the huge mess that is my body. I say huge mess. That may actually simply be a result of a decent (for once) New Year’s celebration, which is just taking it’s time to catch up with me. Or maybe I actually am just a huge mess. With a sleeping problem. Gutted.

What’s even worse is that this sleeping problem, aka insomnia, aka Jess-is-actually-a-vampire, is most likely all my fault. All my wonderful Caffeine Addiction’s fault. And yes it has capitals and a little apostrophe because the Caffeine Addiction is definitely a noun. It has, like, feelings and everything. Such as when I don’t feed it and it growls insanely at me until I collapse into a quivering heap whimpering ‘must have coffee’ to anyone who braves coming within 10 feet of such a deranged mess. Again with the mess word. Bad times. Such a relationship with caffeine really isn’t helped all that much by my on-going, and mega shameful, addiction to coke. The diet kind. Not the full-fat, or powdered kind. Nothing that funky. I just shouldn’t be allowed near that brown-sugar-free-sweetener-injected-cancer-filled-water. It’s just a disaster waiting to happen. But not one of those earth-shattering mega disasters. Nah, this one most likely wouldn’t even make the local paper. On page 30-something. In fact, what am I saying, it definitely won’t make the local paper. It’ll just result in me quivering in a heap again the next time I genius-ly attempt to decaffeinate my life.

It doesn’t work. I do *not* recommend. There’s no use even pretending really, it just makes me uber grr-ish and prepared to bite into a huge lump of caffeine. Which, actually thinking about it, does not seem in any way attractive. In fact can you even get lumps of caffeine?! Oh my life, I’m imagining this block of some god-knows-what stuff that you kinda crumble into water (the word might actually be dissolve, but crumble sounds better..) that tastes beyond funky and probably sizzles a bit before giving you a much needed kick. Wow. I’ve just proven that I watch far too much crazy stuff. Where else do you find sizzling, crumbled, caffeine blocks??

Blimey, I was only trying to explain my vamp ways. I am *so* going to regret attempting this whole late-night typing thing in the morning. Or rather, later in the morning. Cause someone, mentioning no names – ahem, me, is a genius who doesn’t sleep. Wow I feel like I’m going round in circles. Kinda like when you’re on one of those roundabouts at the park and you can’t really get off while it’s still spinning, so you just have to wait until it stops, but there’s always some mean kid that just keeps spinning it and spinning it until you actually feel like you’re most likely going to go flying off and end up in the allotment next to the park, and oh my life this sentence is actually still going on, I really should stop typing now.

Yep. I’m definitely going to regret this.


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